** I live in Florida where everything seems to grow and grow big. Fruit. Flowers. Turtles. Catfish. Alligators. And…spiders. That’s where subtropical gives way to tropical. Jungle and all that comes with it. It’s a usual occurrence to find what I call jungle spiders — aka argiope florida — camped out 5 ft. above the ground next to my back door. Face height for me.
Yay!? Well, not so much.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate spiders. I love Lucas the Spider. And I’m even writing a bit of science fiction/fantasy about them. But they can take a bit of getting used to, especially the wolf spiders that share my home.
**[Trigger Warning for arachnophobes. Don’t click on anything except Lucas the Spider. He’s animated.]**
Why Spiders Make Bad Roommates
I set clear ground rules, I thought. After all, I gave you free run of the second largest bedroom.
1. No visitors after dark. Translation: nighttime is not party time.
No matter how quiet you think you’re being, I can hear more than one octuple set of feet in your room.
2. Share housekeeping chores. Translation: clean up after you eat.
I’m tired of finding stray legs of crickets and grasshoppers. And that ant head (antennae and all) was gross.
And what’s with the hanging out in dark corners? It’s not funny, man. If I go to pick up what I think is a dime in the darkened hallway one more time, only to find out it’s just your eyeshine as you run away… I’m gonna lose it.
3. Bedrooms are private spaces. Translation: don’t go into anyone’s room but your own.
Just because the hallway is dark, don’t think I didn’t see you saunter out of my bedroom the other night. And no, an open door is not an invitation.
4. Communal spaces are for everyone. Translation: the house doesn’t belong to you.
Don’t expect me not to freak out if I get a faceful of web when I enter the hallway. Not cool, dude. Not cool.
5. Not every room with running water is a bathroom. Translation: the kitchen sink is not a shower.
Not my fault my boyfriend thought you were an intruder and handled business.
6. Open communication. In the spirit of the last house rule, I sent a donation to National Wildlife Federation in your name. Translation: I’m sorry (sort of) that you’re dead.